The thing about children is that they have a fairly limited attention span. And by limited I mean that if they have to sit quietly and wait for literally anything they assume it’s child abuse within about 8 seconds. Maybe that’s just my children. If this is just my kids don’t tell me. I’d rather just carry on thinking we are all in this together.

One of the worst places to be stuck with children is in a car. It’s a small space that usually involves them in close contact with each other which they consider to be a criminal offence despite the fact that the rest of the time they operate on a personal space principal that 1) a closed bathroom door means you should wander in and ask your mother where babies come from 2) a closed and locked bathroom door means it’s an emergency and you should punch your sister in the head and then scream “Moooooooooooooooooom are you INNNNNN there?” while kicking the door (standard emergency procedure) and 3) If it’s Christmas and you need to vomit you should immediately climb into your mother’s lap and without warning just puke into her cleavage.

Over the years I have tried various games as a distraction technique once we hit the whining portion of a car trip (aka, as we are pulling out of the driveway). We tried “I spy” for awhile until I overheard Escher explaining the “rules” to his step-brother. Namely, “You pick a colour and then you wait until Mom has given up, and then you point ‘over there’ and say ‘No, that was it’.” So essentially, I was playing “I spy” and he was playing mind games.

Recently I decided to branch out by introducing the game “Two truths and a lie”, which is quite literally what it sounds like. You make three statements, two of which are true and one of which is a lie and the other person has to guess the lie. Where I miscalculated was that I tried to provide a very simple premise for how the game worked when I explained it to Escher. So I said, “I’m wearing a green shirt, I’m wearing jeans, I’m wearing a purple hat.” This accomplished two things. 1) He got the concept immediately (mom win) and 2) I have now spent the last three months playing a game where the other player just announces two items of clothing he is actually wearing and then something totally believable like “I am a space cat”  or “I have never vomited into my mother’s breasts”.

Last week, against my better judgment, we packed up the kids to go for a drive and somehow the children tricked me into playing, probably because the other option was having Escher demand we listen to “Sound of Silence” on repeat for 47 minutes straight which accomplishes a level of irony that is physically painful.

The game went along just fine initially and when we got to Escher’s turn I started to tune out but all of a sudden he comes up with three actual sentences and none of them had to do with his clothes. Progress!!

The following round, same thing. Just enough to give me hope that we had all reached the point where we could play a successful, civilized game with each other. Because of course, I forgot that whatever game I am playing, Escher is actually playing fuck with mom.

Round 3. Escher’s turn.

“I’ve been bitten by a cat.”

“I’ve been bitten by a dog.”

“I’ve been bitten by a bear.”

Easy, right? Wrong. It’s dog. Dog is the lie. So I ask the logical follow up which is “Sorry…when exactly were you bitten by a bear?” To which Escher replies “When I was camping with Dad.”

Cue my persistently honest daughter’s complete outrage at this fabrication as a screeching exclamation from the back seat:

“Mooooooooom!!! Escher’s lying!!!! He’s NEVER been camping with DAD!!!!”

To which Escher screeches back:

“That’s how the game works you IDIOT!!” (incorrect) and then proceeds to punch his sister in the side of the head.

….Six repeats of “Sound of Silence” and one threat to throw everyone out of a moving car later and everyone has calmed down enough to continue playing. Because I never learn.

Round 4. Escher’s turn.

“I’ve eaten my pee.”

“I’ve eaten my poo.”

“I’ve eaten a truck….Guess which one is true??”

……Two things.

1. That is not how the game works AND
2. I literally cannot even.

“Escher…Jesus. That’s not how the game works. You’re supposed to say TWO things that are true and only one that’s a lie…”

“Oh. Sorry Mom. Okay……….”

“I’ve pooped in a can……..I….”

Guess how fast I cued up Sound of Silence? Faster than that.

P.S. We are back to not being on speaking terms.