The thing about having kids is, I think it actually makes you crazy.

I remember before I had kids, and especially when I was pregnant with the first one, that I had all these great plans for how to raise them. Like, really excellent, well-thought out, pie-charted, logical plans. And then the kids actually showed up. And somewhere in the literal delivery process something went horribly, horribly wrong. They came out fine and all. Ten toes and legs and eyes and everything. But no one actually prepared me for the fact that they are actual people. From day one. You think that you’ll have time to program them and get them on board with the pie charts. And initially you might even think it’s working. And then you start noticing small things that indicate that it’s possibly going off track. Like when you drop your baby face first in their car seat upside down onto a cement parking garage floor. (This totally never happened I’m just using it as an example. Cause maybe it happened to someone one time that wasn’t me.)

And you would think, that after you had the first one and started noticing that things weren’t quite going as planned, that you would just stop right there and re-think your life just a bit. OR MAYBE YOU JUST FIGURE YOU’LL ADD ANOTHER ONE. Like a distraction technique. If you give the first child another child to entertain it then you can probably use those moments to do things like go pee with the door closed, and drink your coffee before it’s got that little film on the top. But it turns out, all you’ve done is give them an ally. And when I say ally…I mean someone that they can fight with 98% of the time and get along famously the other 1% of the time, but like, in any case it’s always in your general vicinity at max volume. Which brings us back to the whole, making you crazy part.

And for those of you who don’t have kids and have the time and mental capacity to do the math and are sitting there thinking that I can’t add….I KNOW that only adds up to 99% and that’s because the other 1% of the time I’ve managed to lock myself in the closet and I have no idea what they are doing. I just know it’s quiet in the closet and sometimes I can smuggle wine in there.

P.S. If you don’t have kids yet…but are planning on it. Put wine in your closet now. You’ll thank me later.